gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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