i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
