maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
