i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
