i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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