i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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