SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I intend to get homeless drunk
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
