Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
