Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
