im drinking this country out of the recession.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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