i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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