apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
