Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
