Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
