Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
