He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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