i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
