If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
