Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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