The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
