The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
