if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
zippers are such a cool invention
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
