is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
