I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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