Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
