the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
