Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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