By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
