I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
