too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
