Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
