If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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