Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He passed out mid-signature
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
