you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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