I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
