Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
