at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
