seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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