He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
