I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
