My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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