I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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