my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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