Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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