im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
