I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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