I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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