Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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