I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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