I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
