hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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