I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
