I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
