all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
