so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Hippo gnu deer
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
